Category: Mental Health

Pick Me

Buckle up, my dudes. This post was a doozy for me to write. And share. This is something I am extremely ashamed of but since I’m already putting my life out on the internet then why not add this on too*?

 

 

I pick my cuticles constantly, to the point where I will start bleeding*. It is called skin picking disorder or excoriation or dermatillomania or, very cleverly, compulsive skin picking. Regardless, I do it and I do it A LOT. It is bad. Actually, it is really bad. Sometimes I am 100% aware I am doing it, other times I have no idea. I’ll pick watching tv, I’ll pick talking to friends, I’ll pick during meetings, I’ll pick just sitting at my desk*. I’ll take breaks from typing this blog post to pick.  I met with PG today and she brought it up because of how bad it was during our last session where we talked about some Extremely Difficult to Talk About Stuff, which sent my picking into overdrive. By the end of it, I had to ask her for a Band-Aid because I was bleeding*. [Not surprisingly, the picking is often associated with OCD (23% of those with OCD also have skin picking disorder). Here is some more information on skin picking and OCD.] I took pictures of my hands (my thumbs, really, because that is what I pick most often) this morning to add to this post*. And they are not easy to share*.

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I have done a lot of research on this but, aside from a futile attempt to replace picking with using a fidget cube, I have not broken the habit*. Painting my nails doesn’t work, I’ll just start picking again. Getting a manicure will help for a few days or until I chip the nail polish (which TBH is usually right around when I am walking out of the nail salon, getting in the car, or buckling my seat belt). The fidget cube didn’t work because I need to use my right hand to control my computer mouse and my favorite side of the cube was nearly impossible for me to comfortably use with my left hand.

This is probably where I should warn you that this post likely won’t give you the warm & fuzzy feelings that (hopefully) my super inspirational TED Talk post did. I know I need to stop picking but do I want to stop picking*? I mean, I do want to stop, but it is going to be so difficult to stop that I’m torn between giving it another shot* and continuing on with my life because it will be so much easier to pretend this problem isn’t a problem*. So… what next? I’m not sure. I bought some cuticle oil because I read it will make picking harder since it is slippery* (I haven’t even opened the Amazon package it is in though)*. PG is looking into a specific type of therapy to help people stop picking*. And I am just going to have to try really, really hard to break this habit*.

I know I am not alone in this, so if you are reading this and you are picking, take comfort in the fact that I 10,000,000% understand how you feel*. It sucks. If/ when I find something that has helped I will post an update*.

-A

any * indicates me taking a break to pick

 

Spotify users! Be sure to follow my obsessive-compulsive diaries playlist for some of my favorite groovy tunes. It is a delightfully random mix of new songs and old songs from a bunch of different genres. It’s a great playlist if you need a good dance party or if you need a cry. Or a crying dance party.

 

a ted talk by the color beige

Thank you all so, so much for your support. It is overwhelming, but in the very best way, to see that I’m not alone on this Fantastic Voyage. ♥

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Since I started this process there has been a constant voice in the back of my mind telling me I will fail. Some days it yells at me, most days it is more of an irritating whine similar to what I’m sure I sounded like during much of my early childhood. It would be so much easier for me to say FORK THIS (surely someone out there understood this reference. If not, drop every single thing you are doing right now and go watch The Good Place on Netflix. Right now. Go.) and keep letting OCD control my every move. Honestly, I had that exact thought (without the fork) the other night as I was leaving work because even though I have taken this first step, it is still really intimidating to think about how much the checking and the accompanying anxiety are part of my life. There is still a ton of work for me to do and, quite honestly, I will likely be working on this for the rest of my days. This first step is one of those awkwardly long steps that also isn’t very tall so you end up falling. In fact, I have fallen every day this week because ~ya girl~ has checked at least a few of My Things every morning.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I have received during therapy is that we *vaguely gestures to surroundings* are a lot harder on ourselves than we would be if we were helping a friend through the exact same situation. Below is a re-enactment of this life-changing revelation with PG (PG is my therapist):

PG: How do you feel like you are handling everything so far?

Me: Not well. I missed X deadline, didn’t finish X or X, and didn’t make it up to X to visit X. I feel like I can’t just do one single thing without it going sideways. *The sky grows dark. The wind starts howling as the rain falls from the sky like teardrops. In the distance, sirens*

PG: Ok, what would you say to a friend who reached out to you explaining that she has had a really rough couple of months? She’s got anxiety over the health of a close family member, she’s been working herself to the point where she keeps making silly mistakes, and it is all made worse by the fact that she can’t sleep because the anxiety is keeping her up at night.

Me: Well the first thing I would tell her that she needs to give herself a break. Reach out to people to come up with a plan on how to tackle whatever it is that is spreading her so thin. It’s ok to take a day off to do something she enjoys, even if it is just watching every episode of every season of The Good Place. She doesn’t have to go at it alone. *Beyoncé appears and starts singing Run the World (Girls). The entire cast of Parks & Rec comes in the room and high fives My Overwhelmed Friend. Tom Haverford points finger guns at Overwhelmed Friend and says “what’s crackin’?”*

PG: …

AK: …

PG: …

AK: ….yeah, this makes sense.

635

I have been giving myself a hard time for 1,455 weeks (this assumes that I just came out of the womb with anxiety which, if you spent any time in my head, is highly likely) and all for something I would hate to see my family or friends struggle with. I would bet all of the cash in my wallet right now that this is something everyone, regardless of anxiety or mental health or whatever, could practice more. We need to be more willing to help ourselves. Let’s treat ourselves with the same compassion we show our family and friends (Thank you for coming to my TED Talk).

 

 

-A

There is no cash in my wallet, by the way. Maybe I don’t want to help better myself because myself keeps spending all of my money and then complaining about not having any money.