An expanded list of My Things ft. Totally Normal Things That Also Give Me Anxiety

You guys are in for a treat. In this post, I will go over My Things in greater detail. I’ll also include some things I used to check but do not currently check, as well as some things that make me uncomfortable for no logical reason (this part is to keep it light and fun and make sure we can all have a good laugh/prevent us all from spiraling into a deep, dark depression). *Please note that I use the term logical here very loosely seeing as how my checking is driven by flawed logic (at best) that only I experience.

My Things, expanded:

The front door is locked. I will check it, check it again, recheck the recheck, etc.
The stove is off. I check each knob 3+ times, depending on how anxious I am. I have a gas stove now but I still did this when I had an electric one.
Dryer is off. I will open and close the dryer door a few times until I feel comfortable knowing it is off. I never leave the dryer running if I’m not home. It drives Taylor, my husband, insane.
Unplug the hair dryer. I don’t know why. I just really hate leaving things plugged in in general. Another one that annoys Taylor.
Turn off/unplug curling iron. Even though unplugging it guarantees it is off, I still check to make sure it is turned off JUST IN CASE, GOD FORBID I forget to unplug it (there’s a 99.999999999% chance I will not forget to unplug it). I have to make sure I unplug it and usually go back upstairs to check before I leave the house. I can’t remember the last time I straightened my hair but in the past, I did the same for a straightener. My OCD doesn’t discriminate on the type of styling tool I need to check.
Taking the same route to and from work, down to being in the same exact lane. I loathe using Waze (see below for my non-OCD reasoning, if you’re interested) because I need to know the route I am taking before I leave. Randomly having the Waze generated Boy Band harmonize the turn I need to take in 5 feet puts me in a panic. I take the interstate to work and back roads home. Every day I take the same route unless I am going on some exciting, post-work adventure (which never happens).
Following the same morning routine when getting ready for work. Brush teeth, plug in curling iron, do makeup, curl hair, get dressed. If I don’t follow this order then I face imminent doom.
I have to get in and out of the same side of the bed. Taylor travels for work so there are times when I have the entire bed to myself and could jump out on either side. But I don’t.
I love to make lists at work. It is how I am able to actually function. But if I start making a list and misspell something or don’t use consistent bullet points I have to start over completely. The list has to be perfect. Sometimes I’ll redo the list even if I technically didn’t mess anything up.
Cleaning in a particular order. This one is interesting to me because my OCD isn’t focused on cleanliness or organization (trust me). When I do clean the house it has to be in a particular order or else I will need to repeat steps/start over completely. If I vacuum before I dust then I will need to vacuum again because dust will fall onto the clean carpet. Luckily for me, I rarely get the motivation to clean this much! *sarcasm*
Making sure the animals (cats in particular) didn’t get out. I do not know why this is such a huge thing for me. It always has been. Long before I had adopted my own cats, I would risk being late to school just to run home and make sure the family cats hadn’t gotten out. Do I know that cats are usually well equipped to survive some time outside? Yes. Am I still going to run home and check to make sure they didn’t get out? Absolutely. I’m not ashamed to be a crazy cat lady (emphasis on the crazy…and the lady).

My Old Things:

Not changing out of the outfit, changing the channel, etc. of what I was wearing the last time I spoke to my mom/dad on the phone when I was at the other’s house on the weekends. Fun story: when I was in 1st grade or so I got this pillow in the shape of a cat and, when asked, one of my parents suggested I name it Lemon and the other suggested Orange. So, I named her Lemon Orange to avoid hurting any feelings. Lemon Orange went to college with me. I actually still have Lemon Orange but she is bedding in my dog’s crate because for some reason Taylor wasn’t 100% sold on the idea of me still sleeping with a 20+-year-old pillow named Lemon Orange. Also, my sister, Lauren, used to call Lemon Orange Lauren Orange and it made me so mad for some reason. But I digress…
Checking to make sure my mom or dad was still inside the house before I went to sleep.

…not gonna to lie, I thought this list would be a bit longer. Turns out the things I used to check/do, I still check/do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

100% Normal Things That Make Me Anxiety:

Flat face trucks. They look mean and they make me uncomfortable. I’m also terrified of heights and 9 times out of 10 these trucks are the ones driving on the side of a mountain during monsoon season, or something equally scary and random. Its ok to laugh at this, I do it all the time.

I got a pocket full of nopes and my homeboys do too

My food can’t touch (My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, making this a real, modern-day tragedy.)
REVOLVING DOORS. I loathe them. This one is probably because a few months ago a complete stranger used the same compartment of a revolving door as me. I’m still struggling to get over it, tbh.
Public restrooms. Not because of germs, but because I get stage fright and can’t go if anyone else is in there.
Sharing an elevator/forced small talk. This one is especially bad right now because of the air cast on my fractured foot.

New Boot Goofin — Taylor and I are huge Reno 911 fans

Screen Shot 2018-08-28 at 2.12.58 PM — Lt. Dangle & Deputy Wiegel hard at work (I wasn’t lying when I said we were huge fans…)

Getting stuck in traffic on the interstate. I get claustrophobic and slightly panicky if I feel stuck.

I’m sure there are more. Honestly, the flat truck is probably the one I was most eager to share. I am equal parts curious and terrified of what exposure and response prevention therapy would look like for this one…

-A

(For anyone who doesn’t know what New Boot Goofin is…)

A Non-OCD Explanation of Why I Do Not Use Waze

For starters, I have a degree in geography (super useful if you enjoy going to school with folks to wear the shoes with individual spaces for one’s toes) so I spent many, many hours and many, many dollars making maps, followed by spending the last 7 years at a Real Job making maps. I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of cities in and around metro Atlanta. The final straw with Waze was when it had me get off of the interstate, travel west (my final destination was east!), then get back on the interstate at the next exit WHEN THERE WAS NO ACCIDENT OR ANYTHING. The only reason I used it that day was to try and avoid traffic. I deleted the app once the Boy Band told me I had arrived at my destination with a beautiful melody.

Pick Me

Buckle up, my dudes. This post was a doozy for me to write. And share. This is something I am extremely ashamed of but since I’m already putting my life out on the internet then why not add this on too*?

I pick my cuticles constantly, to the point where I will start bleeding*. It is called skin picking disorder or excoriation or dermatillomania or, very cleverly, compulsive skin picking. Regardless, I do it and I do it A LOT. It is bad. Actually, it is really bad. Sometimes I am 100% aware I am doing it, other times I have no idea. I’ll pick watching tv, I’ll pick talking to friends, I’ll pick during meetings, I’ll pick just sitting at my desk*. I’ll take breaks from typing this blog post to pick. I met with PG today and she brought it up because of how bad it was during our last session where we talked about some Extremely Difficult to Talk About Stuff, which sent my picking into overdrive. By the end of it, I had to ask her for a Band-Aid because I was bleeding*. [Not surprisingly, the picking is often associated with OCD (23% of those with OCD also have skin picking disorder). Here is some more information on skin picking and OCD.] I took pictures of my hands (my thumbs, really, because that is what I pick most often) this morning to add to this post*. And they are not easy to share*.

I have done a lot of research on this but, aside from a futile attempt to replace picking with using a fidget cube, I have not broken the habit*. Painting my nails doesn’t work, I’ll just start picking again. Getting a manicure will help for a few days or until I chip the nail polish (which TBH is usually right around when I am walking out of the nail salon, getting in the car, or buckling my seat belt). The fidget cube didn’t work because I need to use my right hand to control my computer mouse and my favorite side of the cube was nearly impossible for me to comfortably use with my left hand.

This is probably where I should warn you that this post likely won’t give you the warm & fuzzy feelings that (hopefully) my super inspirational TED Talk post did. I know I need to stop picking but do I want to stop picking*? I mean, I do want to stop, but it is going to be so difficult to stop that I’m torn between giving it another shot* and continuing on with my life because it will be so much easier to pretend this problem isn’t a problem*. So… what next? I’m not sure. I bought some cuticle oil because I read it will make picking harder since it is slippery* (I haven’t even opened the Amazon package it is in though)*. PG is looking into a specific type of therapy to help people stop picking*. And I am just going to have to try really, really hard to break this habit*.

I know I am not alone in this, so if you are reading this and you are picking, take comfort in the fact that I 10,000,000% understand how you feel*. It sucks. If/ when I find something that has helped I will post an update*.

-A

any * indicates me taking a break to pick

Spotify users! Be sure to follow my obsessive-compulsive diaries playlist for some of my favorite groovy tunes. It is a delightfully random mix of new songs and old songs from a bunch of different genres. It’s a great playlist if you need a good dance party or if you need a cry. Or a crying dance party.

a ted talk by the color beige

Thank you all so, so much for your support. It is overwhelming, but in the very best way, to see that I’m not alone on this Fantastic Voyage. ♥

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Since I started this process there has been a constant voice in the back of my mind telling me I will fail. Some days it yells at me, most days it is more of an irritating whine similar to what I’m sure I sounded like during much of my early childhood. It would be so much easier for me to say FORK THIS (surely someone out there understood this reference. If not, drop every single thing you are doing right now and go watch The Good Place on Netflix. Right now. Go.) and keep letting OCD control my every move. Honestly, I had that exact thought (without the fork) the other night as I was leaving work because even though I have taken this first step, it is still really intimidating to think about how much the checking and the accompanying anxiety are part of my life. There is still a ton of work for me to do and, quite honestly, I will likely be working on this for the rest of my days. This first step is one of those awkwardly long steps that also isn’t very tall so you end up falling. In fact, I have fallen every day this week because ~ya girl~ has checked at least a few of My Things every morning.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I have received during therapy is that we *vaguely gestures to surroundings* are a lot harder on ourselves than we would be if we were helping a friend through the exact same situation. Below is a re-enactment of this life-changing revelation with PG (PG is my therapist):

PG: How do you feel like you are handling everything so far?

Me: Not well. I missed X deadline, didn’t finish X or X, and didn’t make it up to X to visit X. I feel like I can’t just do one single thing without it going sideways. *The sky grows dark. The wind starts howling as the rain falls from the sky like teardrops. In the distance, sirens*

PG: Ok, what would you say to a friend who reached out to you explaining that she has had a really rough couple of months? She’s got anxiety over the health of a close family member, she’s been working herself to the point where she keeps making silly mistakes, and it is all made worse by the fact that she can’t sleep because the anxiety is keeping her up at night.

Me: Well the first thing I would tell her that she needs to give herself a break. Reach out to people to come up with a plan on how to tackle whatever it is that is spreading her so thin. It’s ok to take a day off to do something she enjoys, even if it is just watching every episode of every season of The Good Place. She doesn’t have to go at it alone. *Beyoncé appears and starts singing Run the World (Girls). The entire cast of Parks & Rec comes in the room and high fives My Overwhelmed Friend. Tom Haverford points finger guns at Overwhelmed Friend and says “what’s crackin’?”*

PG: …

AK: …

PG: …

AK: ….yeah, this makes sense.

635

I have been giving myself a hard time for 1,455 weeks (this assumes that I just came out of the womb with anxiety which, if you spent any time in my head, is highly likely) and all for something I would hate to see my family or friends struggle with. I would bet all of the cash in my wallet right now that this is something everyone, regardless of anxiety or mental health or whatever, could practice more. We need to be more willing to help ourselves. Let’s treat ourselves with the same compassion we show our family and friends (Thank you for coming to my TED Talk).

-A

There is no cash in my wallet, by the way. Maybe I don’t want to help better myself because myself keeps spending all of my money and then complaining about not having any money.