10/19/2018

There are many things I am bad at and lying is one of them (others include math, being patient, and expressing emotion). The past 4 days all I have been doing is lying. When someone asks how I’m doing my instinct is to say that I’m doing okay. But I’m not doing okay. I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down ever since I got a call Friday at 3:30am because I knew what I was going to hear before I answered the phone. Six hours after I posted tomato soup the one thing I have been dreading this entire year happened. And I try to remind myself/take my own advice to remember all of the great things I was able to do and experience when my grandmother was here but I’m struggling. Part of it is because I am just expected to go back to life as usual after the funeral tomorrow, which is impossible. Part of it is because any progress I feel like I have made with my checking is gone. Even before she passed I took a longer route back to the highway on the way home because that was the route I always took. I almost had a panic attack because I used a different eye shadow color Thursday morning. I came back inside after locking the front door to make sure I had unplugged the curling iron not once but twice. It feels like all of the tiny steps I have made to try and control my obsessions and compulsions have been replaced by the need to do them even more. I know that I will be okay and that I will get back to a place where I don’t get so overwhelmed thinking about the loss of my grandmother.  But right now my heart physically hurts knowing she isn’t here anymore.

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If anyone reading this finds themselves in a similar situation then I highly recommend the song The Permanent Rain by The Dangerous Summer. I’ve also added it to my Spotify playlist.

Also, here are a few helpful links for anyone who might need them.

Symptoms, Not Stages

Understanding the Stages of Grief

Lastly, here are pictures of my super cute pups to help put a smile on your face after such a sad post. I promise these will start taking a turn for the happier eventually.

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Beans
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Kaper

♥♥

-A

 

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